* ■■"^"^■■■■■■■■■^■■■■■■■■■^^^limmMIIHW^ 




COPYRIGHT, 1893, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



piays for flmateur Sfyeatrieals. 

BY GEORGE T^Y. BKKER, 

Author of " Amateur Dramas," "The Mimic Stage," "T/w Social Stage," "The Drawing- 
Room Stage " "Handy Dramas" "The Exhibition Dramas " "A Baker's Dozen" etc. 

Titles in this Type are New Plays. 

Titles in this Type are Temperance Plays. 



DRAMAS. 

hi Four A cis . 
Better than Gold. 7 male, 4 female 



char. 



= 5 



In Three Acts. 

Our Follcg. 6 male, 5 female char. . 15 

The Flower of the Family. 5 
male, 3 female char. 15 

Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- 
ttiale char 15 

My Brother's Keeper. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char o ... 15 

The Tittle Jirotvn Juy. 5 male, 3 
female char ,....15 

In Two A cts. 

Ahove the Clond*. 7 male, 3 female 

char 15 

One Hundred Years Ago'. 7 male, 

4 female char 15 

Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female 

char 15 

Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female 

char 15 

Down by the Sea. 6 male, 3 female 

char 15 

Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char. 15 
The J^ast Loaf. 5 male, 3 female char. 15 

In One A ct. 

otand by the Flag. 5 male char, . . 15 
The Tempter. 3 male, 1 female char. 15 

COMEDIES AND FARCES. 

A Mysterious Disappearance. 4 

male, 3 female char. ....... 

Padille Your Own Canoe. 7 male 

3 female char. .,..,.... 
A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female 

char 

A Jjitflr More Cid"r. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char , . 

A Thorn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 
female chnr 

Never Say Die. 3 male, 3 femaie char. 

Peking the Elephant. 6 male, 3 female 
char. 

The T.oston Dip. 4 male, 3 female char. 

The Duchess of Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- 
male char. ...... , . . . 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 

4 male, 3 female char. ...... 

We're, all Teetotalers. 4 mrtle, 2 fe- 
male char. .......... 

Male Characters Only. 
A. Close Shave. 6 char. ...... 

A Public Benefactor. 6 char. , . . 
A Sea of Troubles. 8 char. .... 



WALTER H. BAKER & CO 



COMEDIES, etc., continued. 

Male Characters Only. 

A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . . 15 

Coals of Fire. 6 char. ...... 15 

Freedom of the Hress. S char. ... 15 

Shall Our Mother* Vote? 11 char. 15 

Gentlemen of thk. Jury. 12 char. . . 15 

Humors of the Strike. 8 char. ... 15 

My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . . 15 

New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . 15 

The Great Elixir. 9 char 15 

Thk Hypochondriac. 3 char 15 

The Man with the Demijohn. 4 

char 15 

The Runaways. 4 char 15 

The Thief of Time. 6 char 15 

Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. . . . 15 

Female Characters Only. 

A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char 15 

A Precious Pickle. 6 char 15 

No Cure No Pay. 7 char 15 

The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. . 15 

The Greatest Plague in Life. 8 char. 15 

The GkEciAN Bend. 7 char. .... 15 

The Red Chignon. 6 char 15 

Using the Weed. 7 char. ..... 15 

ALLEGORIES. 

A rranged/or Music and Tableaux. 

Lighthart's Pilgrimage. 8 female 

char. 15 

The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female 

char I ..... 15 

The Sculptor's Triumph, i male. 4 fe- 
male char. 15 

Tun Tournament of Idylcourt. 10 fe- 
male char. 0.15 

The War of the Roses. 8 female char. 15 

The Voyage of Life. 8 female char. . 15 

MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 

An Original Idea, i male, r female 15 

Bonbons; or, the Paint King. 6 male, 

1 female char 25 

Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet 15 

Restored. 3 male, 1 female char. . 15 

Santa Claus' Frolics. 15 

Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Brave. 
and the Fair Imogene. 3 male, 1 

female char. 25 

The Merry Christmas of the Old 

Woman who Lived in a Shoe. ... 15 

The Pedler ok Very Nice. 7 male 

char. 15 

The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertain- 
ment. Numerous male and female char. 15 

Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. 15 

The Visions of Freedom, ii female 

char. . . , . . 15 

., 23 Winter St., Boston. 



HERE SHE GOES AND THERE 
SHE GOES 



&n Ethiopian tfarce in Efoo Scenes 



EDITED AND ARRANGED FOR PERFORMANCE, WITH ALL THE 
"GAGS" AND "STAGE BUSINESS" AS GIVEN BY 
SCHOOLCRAFT AND COES i 



BY V 

GEORGE H. COES 



v 0CT 20 



BOSTON 






1893 



CHARACTERS. 



.< 



JOSHUA SCOREUP, landlord of the " Half Moon" Inn. 

OLD TOBY, his father. 

BILL CHEATEM) 

> Two Sharpers. 
JACK FLEECEM) 

DOCTOR X. ) 

\ Two popular M.D.'s. 
DOCTOR Y. ) 

JIM, a waiter. 

JERRY, son of foshua. 

MARIA, landlady of the Inn, and wife of Joshua. 

• Travellers, Boarders, Visitors, etc. 



Costumes Eccentric 




Copyright, 1893, by Walter H. Baker & Co, 



HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 



SCENE I. — A street in one. 
{Enter Old Toby, r. i e.) 



Old Toby. Well, this is really a nice business, keeping a hotel 
so near the railroad station, where there is so much excitement and 
a good sprinkling of fun. {Bell rings outside l. h.) It strikes me 
there's a bell ringing somewhere in the house. {Enter Jim, and 
runs against Old Toby, and crosses to l. i e.) 

Jim. Alwavs in the way, you old fool. 

Old T. What's that? 

Jim {louder). I said the house was full. 

Old T. Oh, yes, Jim, if we have any more passengers we sha'n't 
know where to put 'em. 

Jim. You don't know anything, you old bull head. 

Old. T. What's that, sir? 

Jim {louder). You know I must go ahead. 

Old T. Oh, all right. 

Jim. Oh, vou go to the deuce. 

Old T. Hey? 

Jim {louder). I'm going to get some soup. {Exit R. H.) 

Old T. Now there's a specimen of the waiters we have attached 
to the " Half Moon." I don't know what they'd do in this hotel if 
I wasn't about. It keeps me half my time looking after the wait- 
ers ; I'm so deaf I can't hear half the time what they say. {Looks 
off r.) Oh, here come some more passengers. {Enter two or 
three l. h.) Ah, how do you do, gentlemen. Walk into the 
house ; you'll find some one to attend to you. {Passengers exit r. 
i e. ; enter Jim follozued by Bill and Jack, fashionably dressed.) 

Jim. Dis way, gentlemen, dis way. 

Jack. Thank you. Will you be so kind as to look after our 
horse and put him in the stable. Give him a peck of oats, and 
mind you don't only show him the measure. 

Jim. Oh, sir, we never do such things as dat here. 

Bill. That may be very true, but it strikes me that it is some- 
where in this vicinity that the landlord used to put shavings in the 
manger, and then put a pair of green spectacles on the horse's eyes 
so as to make him believe it was green grass. 

3 



4 HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 

Jim (aside) . Them fellows think they're smart, but they can't 
come it over me, and they'll have to pay mighty high for everything 
they get here. 

Jack. Young man, are you going? 

Jim. Yes, sir. 

Jack. Then go. (To Old Toby.) Are you the landlord? 

Old T. Oh, yes, we'll give you the best we can afford. 

Bill. Hang me, Jack, if the old poppy ain't deaf. 

Jack. Ha, ha, ha. (To Old Toby, very loud.) Are you the 
landlord ? 

Old T. Oh, I used to be. You'll have to speak pretty loud to 
me, for I'm hard of hearing. 

Jack. You're an old fool. 

Old T. Yes ; we are pretty full. (Jack and Bill both laugh.) 
You see, I used to be landlord here until my daughter married my 
son-in-law, Joshua Scoreup ; when that happened, I gave up the 
business to him. 

Jack. That was perfectly right. 

Old T. No; it wasn't last night, it was about five years ago. 

Jack. Well, we should like something to eat 

Old T. Oh, he can't be beat. 

Bill. Louder, Jack. 

Jack. We should like something to eat ! 

Old T. Oh, you want your supper. Well, I declare, I'm so 
deaf I don't know what to do. 

Bill. Oh, get out. 

Old T. No; it's not gout, it's the rheumatiz. I've had it about 
fifteen years, so I don't know what to do. I'll go and attend to 
your supper. 

Bill. Ha, ha, ha. I say, Jack, how stands the finances? 

Jack. I don't know. (Takes out purse.) Sum total of the 
cash, nine cents. That's one degree above zero. 

Bill. Well, I'm just one degree below zero. He who steals my 
purse steals trash. 

Jack. Well, Bill, that's very true ; but he who steals my purse 
steals all of our capital. * 

Bill. What's to be done ? 

Jack. I can't tell. We can't pay for our supper out of nine 
cents. 

Bill. That's so; but I'm hungry enough to eat a horse. 

Jack. Yes, I don't doubt it. And I'm hungry enough to eat a 
horse and wagon, if I wasn't afraid of the wheels sticking in my 
throat. 

Bill. I wish it was last night. As long as I'm hungry I shall 
never forget the supper we got at the last stopping place ; and the 
only pay the landlord got was the pleasure of kicking us out. 

Jack. Well, I've an idea. 

Bill. What is it? 

Jack. Why, after we get our supper, the landlord may take a 
check on the same bank. (Looks offiL. I. e.) Ah, who's this? 



HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 5 

Bill. What a charming creature. {Enter Maria, r. i e.) 

Maria. Gentlemen, your supper is ready in the next room. 

Bill {goes to her"). I don't want any supper where you are, my 
charmer. (Bill is about to embrace her when Jack throws Jiim 
around.} 

Maria. Sir, I shall speak to my husband. 

Jack. Well, Miss, we shall be there presently. 

Bill. She ain't a Miss, Jack, she's a Mrs. (Bill goes towards 
her.} Didn't I understand you rightly? You said you had a hus- 
band? (Jack kicks Bill to l. h.) 

Jack. My dear Madam, you musn't mind what he says to you, 
because he's a little in liquor. 

Bill {aside). What a whopper. 

Maria. Well, gentlemen, your supper is waiting in the next 
room. {Exit Maria r. i e.) 

Bill. What a lovely creature she is, to be sure. 

Jack. I smell the savory dishes that are cooking for us in the 
kitchen ; and, Bill, as you are always growling, I want you to eat 
enough for to-morrow, for the way I'll tuck it in can't be beat. 

Bill. Yes, and I'll pocket what I can't eat. {Exit r. h., arm 
in arm.) 

SCENE II. — A Parlor in three. A large clock l. c, to work ; 
table set for two, R. ofc. ; chairs, etc. ; tables with books, papers ; 
vases, pictures, etc. Old Toby and Jim discovered seated at 
table. 

Old T. I say, Jim, is everything ready ? 

Jim {takes up plate and musses with it) . Yes, sir. (Old Toby 
knocks it out of his hand and it falls on floor and breaks ; then 
Old T. drives Jim off stage.) 

Old T. You infernal black scoundrel, why don't you be more 
careful ? Now there goes two cents worth of my crockery ware. 
{Picks up pieces of 'plate ; enter Maria r. h., followed by Bill atid 
Jack.) 

Maria. This way, gentlemen ; your supper is all ready. 

Jack. Thank you ; but where are the rest of the passengers ? 

Old T. What are the gentlemen saying to you, Maria ? 

Maria {to Jack). Oh, they sup in the next room. (T^OldT.) 
They were asking me where the other passengers are. 

Old T. {to Jack and Bill). Ah, gentlemen, excuse me, but 
seeing you are real gentlemen by your manners and appearance, we 
thought we would serve your supper in this room by yourselves. 
{Aside.) And I'll make 'em pay for the privilege. 

Jack. Thank you, and we'll remember you for it. 

Maria. Father, won't you please wait on the gentlemen ? 
Take your seats, gentlemen. 

Bill {to Maria). I would prefer a seat in your affections, 
dearest. 



6 HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 

Maria. Sir ? 

Jack (sticks a fork i?i Bill's back). Sit down ! 

Bill {jumps around). Oh, I never shall be able to sit aown 
after that. 

Maria. Well, father, you look after these gentlemen now, for I 
must go down in the kitchen. (Exit Maria r. h.) 

Old T. Oh, all right, my child. 

Bill. I say, Jack, let's say grace before we eat, so the old man 
will think we are religious. 

Jack. Very well. (Both rise and repeat the following lines in 
a sanctified manner.) 

Corn beef hot and corn beef cold, 
Corn beef tender and corn beef old, 
Corn beef young and corn beef tough, 
Oh, goodness gracious, we've had corn beef enough. 

That makes us able to eat everything that's on the table. 

Old T. What pious young men they are. They say grace 
before they eat. 

Jack. Well, old pop, how goes it ? Have many calls ? 

Old T. Well, considerable many, but not as many as we would 
like. 

Jack. But you'll have enough on New Year's. 

Old T. Oh, yes; I expect so. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Jack (laughs). I say, Jack, this is good pie. 

Old T. Yes, it is so ; it is high. 

Jack. No, no ; I said it was a delicious pie. 

Old T. Oh, yes, gentlemen, I can recommend it, for I made 
that pie. 

Jack. What do you style it? 

Old T. It isn't biled, it's baked. 

Jack. What do you call it? 

Old T. That, sir, is the celebrated Washington pie. Why, 
bless you, my father used to make that pie for General Washing- 
ton. 

Jack (pours out wine and drinks). That'll do. 

Old T. (watching Jack a?id Bill). Oh, no, it ain't new. I've 
had it in my cellar for eighteen years. 

Bill. That's a lie. 

Old T. I don't care if I do try. (Takes glass and drinks.) 

Bill (looks astonished). That's cool. 

Old T. Another pull ? (Takes another glass, when Jack takes 
it away.) 

Jack. No ; no, you don't. 

Old T. (aside, coming towards L.). Very strange young man: 
first ask me to drink, then won't let me. 

Jack (coming forward). I say, old gentleman, will you have 
our William sent up? 

Old T. What's that, sir? 



HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. J 

Jack. We want our William. 

Old T. Oh, you mean my son-in-law, Joshua, don't you? 

Jack. No, no; our William. 

Old T. What, have you left a young man down-stairs? 

Jack {laughs). No, no. Til tell you. You see, I haven't had 
one in so long a time that I'm not familiar enough to call it Bill, so 
I call it William. {Both laugh.) 

Old T. Oh, yes, I see. It's a good joke — ha, ha. You want 
your bill. 

Jack. Yes. {All this tune Bill is stowing away all the eat- 
ables in his clothes?) 

Old T. Why, ain't you going to stay all night? 

Jack. No ; we should like to, but our business compels us to go. 

Old T. Oh, very well. Til go down-stairs and send my son- 
in-law, Joshua, up with your bill. {Aside.) And I'll tell him to 
make them pay for what they've had. {Exit Old T\, r.) 

Bill. Say, Jack, we've had our supper. Now what shall we do? 

Jack. Well, as we've had our dance, we must pay the fiddler. 
What do you think about it? 

Bill. Suppose we jump out of the window and give 'em leg 
bail, as we did the sheriff. 

Jack. But what will you do with the horse and wagon? 

Bill. I never thought of that — let me see. I have it — let's 
murder all the people here, and then set fire to the house. 

Jack. No, no; that's nonsense. Let me see — {looks around 
room). I don't know. {Sees clock.) That's the very thing. 
{Opens clock door.) 

Bill. But, Jack, we both can't hide in there. 

Jack. We don't want to hide in there. You see if I don't pay 
for our supper and make something in the bargain. You pretend 
to look closely at that clock, and say yes to everything I say. 

Bill. Very well. 

Jack. Quick; here comes the landlord." {They both stand to- 
gether talking to themselves when Joshua comes on l. i e., and 
sees them.) 

Joshua {goes to Jack and Bill). Gentlemen, how do you do? 
{They take no fiotice of him ; aside.) I wonder what they are talk- 
ing about, and looking at that clock for. I guess they're deaf. Ill 
speak a little louder to them. {Goes to them and speaks very loud.) 
Gentlemen ! I say ! 

Jack {turns around). Oh, I beg pardon. I didn't see you 
come in. 

Joshua. I've brought your little bill. {Unrolls a very long 
bill.) 

Jack. Why, Bill, how could you have the heart to run up such 
a long bill? What's that last-named article? 

Joshua. Gin. 

Jack. Well, I'll settle for that by and by. {Retires up stage 
with Bill.) 



8 HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 

Joshua {aside). Oh, ho ! I've been done by these fellows 
before. I'll make believe I don't understand them. {Very loud.) 
Oh, no, my charges ain't high ! 

Bill. Hang me, Jack, if he ain't as deaf as the old man ; deaf 
people always speak very loud. Did you hear how he bawled ? 

Jack {puts his mouth to Joshua's ear). I said I would settle 
for that by and by. 
Joshua. Oh ! 

Jack {very loud to Joshua's ear). I've been looking at that 
clock ; it's a very fine one. 

Joshua {very loud in Jack's ear). Yes. 
Jack. Would you like to sell it? 

Joshua. No ; 'cause it's been in our family a great many years, 
and I wouldn't like to part with it. 
Jack. Then you won't sell it. 
Joshua. No! 

Jack {very loud). My good fellow, you needn't bawl so loud, 
I'm not deaf. 
Joshua {in natural tone). Neither am I. 
Jack. Oh, I beg your pardon. 
Joshua. Same to'yourself, sir. {Shakes hands.) 
Jack. Well, about that clock. 
Joshua. What about it ? 

Jack. It puts me in mind of a bet I once won on a clock just 
exactly like that one, and so much is that clock like it, I thought I 
would buy it if I could. Bill, do you recollect how much it was 
I won? 

Bill. No; I do not. 

Jack. Oh, I remember now ; it was a hundred dollars. 
Joshua. What, did you win a hundred dollars on a clock like 
that one ? (Jack bows.) Why, how? 

Jack. I'll tell you. I was travelling last summer in the State of 
New Jersey on business, and I stopped at the tavern for the night, 
and during the evening I went down in the bar-room, and in the 
bar-room stood a clock — an old one like that. And while sitting 
there, a young man bet he could sit before that clock for one hour 
and keep his^fore-finger going from right to left {shows), saying, 
" Here she goes and there she goes." 
Joshua. And you won the bet ? 
Jack. Yes. 

Joshua. And didn't he use his left hand? 
Jack. No. 

Joshua. And didn't he say anything else? 

Jack. No ; and mustn't let anybody disturb him. And I walked 
the hundred dollars out of him in no time. 

Joshua. You couldn't walk a hundred dollars out of me. 
Jack. Will you make a bet? 

Joshua. Yes ; I'll bet fifty dollars on the spot I can do it. 
Jack. Done ! {Clock strikes six ; Joshua sits r. of clock a?id 



HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 9 

begins saying, " Here she goes and there she goes." He has a 
Purse sticking out of his vest pocket.} But you haven't put up the 
money. 

Joshua (hands him his purse). Here she goes and there she 
goes, etc. (Speaking continuously without once stopping.) 

Jack (to Bill). Didn't I tell you, Bill, we'd have something. 
(Both to Joshua.) Won't you go down-stairs and take a drink? 

Joshua (pays no attention). Here she goes and there she 
goes, etc. 

Jack. Don't let anybody disturb you. (Both imitating Joshua ; 
then they steal everyiliing in the room, and carry it off l. 2 e. 
Joshua does not move from his position, but watches them after 
they are gone, saying all the time, " Here she goes," etc.) 

(Enter Jim, l. h.) 

Jim. I guess dem fellows are done dinner by dis time. (Turns 
and sees Joshua.) Hallo ! what's Massa Scoreup doing dat for? 
I'll speak to him. Mr. Scoreup. 

Joshua. Here she goes, etc. 

Jim. He must be crazy. I'll go and bring the old man. (Calls.) 
Here, old man ! Uncle Toby ! (Exit L., and return with Old 
Toby.) 

Old T. What's this, Jim ? 

Jim. Look dere. 

Old T. (goes to Joshua and listens). No, no, my son, there's 
nothing on your nose. 

Joshua. Here she goes, etc. 

Old T. (listens again). Here she goes and there she goes. 
Why, that is very strange actions. (To Jim.) I say, Jim, what 
does he mean by that ? 

Jim. Oh, massa, dere's no use talking to him. Dere's some- 
thing wrong up here. (Striking his head.) He's crazy. 

Old T. Jim, do you think so? Well, go call your missus, and 
then run for the doctor. 

Jim. Yes, sir. (Exit Jim r. h. ; Old Toby^j- to Joshua and 
commences to mesmerize him, and try all ways to make him speak 
to him, when Maria enters r. h.) 

Maria. What's this I hear? My husband crazy? (Embraces 
hi/u.) O Joshua, don't you know your Maria? On her bended 
knees to you she implores you to speak to her. 

Joshua. Here she goes r etc. 

Maria. The sight of his boy may recall his scattered senses. 
(Calls.) Jerry! Here, Jerry ! 

Jerry (outside). Yes, mommy. 

Maria. Come here, right away. 

Jerry (enters L.). Well, mommy. 

Maria. Come here and kneel down and raise your little hands 
to your father. See, Joshua, this is the first pledge of our mutual 
affection ; speak to him. 



10 HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 

Joshua. Here she goes, etc. 

Maria. Jerry, Jerry, your poor father is crazy. 

Jerry. O mommy, will he bite? {Goes to Joshua, who grabs 
him and throws him across his knee and spanks hi?n, when Jerry 
hollers and runs to his mother.) O mommy, how he hurts ! 

Maria. Oh, what shall I do ? 

Jim {enters r.). Here's the doctor. {Enter Doctor X., who 
goes to Joshua and feels of his pulse, when Joshua strikes him in 
the stomach.) 

Doctor X. Mrs. Scoreup, is your husband a spiritualist ? 

Maria. Why, doctor ? 

Doctor X. Because I thought he might be a rapping medium. 

Maria. No ; he is not a spiritualist. {After a pause.) What 
is your opinion, doctor ? 

Doctor X. I should not like to express my opinion until I had 
consulted with another physician. Could you send for Doctor Y. ? 
He lives but a short distance from here. 

Maria. Oh, of course. Here, Jim, run — fly! 

Jim. Yes, marm. {Exit Jim, r.) 

Doctor X. {goes to Joshua and then to Maria). He seems to 
be getting more excited ; would it be any trouble to you to call in 
more assistance ? 

Maria. Oh, no. Here, Jerry, you run and tell all the people in 
the house to come here right away. 

Jerry. Yes, mommy. {Exit Jerry, l. h.) 

Doctor X. My clear Mrs. Scoreup, as the patient's insanity 
was occasioned by some powerful shock on the nervous system, I 
am afraid I shall be compelled to use some very stringent prescrip- 
tion. 

{Enter Jerry with all the passengers.) 

Jim {enters r. h.). Here's Doctor Y. 

Doctor X. Ah, doctor, how do you do? 

Doctor Y. Did you send for me? 

Doctor X. Yes. I have a stubborn case of insanity, caused 
by some unknown means. Please examine the patient yourself, 
doctor. 

Doctor Y. {goes to Joshua, and as he gets to his side he hits the 
Doctor in the stomach). By George, doctor, he is very violent; 
and I must say, I never saw a case of insanity operate in that 
way. 

Doctor X. What do you recommend, doctor? 

Doctor Y. Why, as the cause of this insanity must have been 
from extreme action on the brain, we had better cool his head all 
we can. And, in the first place, I think it would be best to shave 
his head. 

Doctor X. The idea is correct, and I agree with you. (7<?0ld 
Toby.) Can you procure a barber ? 

Old T. No ; I'm not his father. I'm his father-in-law. 



HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. II 

Jim. A barber ? Yes ; dere's one down-stairs shaving de pas- 
sengers what arrived last night. 

Maria. Jim, go tell him to come up. {Exit Jim.) What are 
you going to do, gentlemen. 

Doctor X. Shave his head. 

Jim {enter R. h.). De barber's gone away, but here is his im- 
plements, and I can do it myself. {Place Joshua in chair c. of 
stage and shave his head; he has a false wig on. Joshua goes 
back to clock again, says, "Here she goes,' 1 '' etc. Doctors consult 
again.) 

Doctor X. The operation has no effect. I have resorted to 
other means in such extreme cases. 

Doctor Y. What is it, doctor ? 

Doctor X. Why, draw the blood from the brain of the patient 
to the lower extremities by violent agitation. 

Doctor Y. But how is this agitation caused ? 

Doctor X. By tossing the patient in a blanket. 

Doctor Y. Can you procure a blanket? 

Jim. Yes, sir. {Gets blanket from l. 2 E., and all toss Joshua 
in it. At close Joshua goes back to clock and begins, "Here she 
goes and there she goes." 1 " 1 ) 

Doctor X. The operation, I am sorry to say, has not the de- 
sired effect. 

Doctor Y. No ; but sometimes, in cases like this, I have 
resorted to hydraulics. 

Doctor X. What do you mean, doctor? 

Doctor Y. This insanity is caused by some sudden shock, and 
by some sudden shock it must be cured. 

Doctor X. Exactly. 

Doctor Y. Now, I think by suddenly immersing the patient in 
cold water a cure may be effected. 

Doctor X. I have not the least doubt of it. {To Jim.) Can you 
procure a bath-tub? 

Jim. Yes, sir. {Goes offi.. 2 e., and brings in tub of water and 
places it in L. c. of stage.) 

Doctor X. Now, gentlemen, your assistance once more if you 
please. {They take Joshua by the feet and shoulders and souse 
him in the water three times, then set him on the edge of tub, when 
clock strikes seven. Then J oshu a jumps up exclaiming?) 

Joshua. I've won it ! I've won it ! 

All. Won what? 

Joshua. Why, the bet, of course. 

All. What bet? 

Joshua. Where's them men that supped here? 

Jim. Why, they've been gone most an hour. 

Joshua. Then I've been cheated and robbed. 

All. How ? 

Joshua. Why, you see, I bet them young fellows fifty dollars 
that I would sit before that clock for one hour and keep my right 



12 HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES. 

hand going like that (shows), and say nothing but " Here she goes 
and there she goes." And I've stuck to my part through thick and 
thin, — had my head shaved, been tossed in a blanket, and soused in 
a tub of water, and I'm all wet, and lost my purse containing one 
hundred and six dollars. 

Policeman (outside). Never mind, we'll stop here to-night, and 
go on with the prisoners in the morning. (Enter with Bill and 
Jack ; both sham drunk.) 

Joshua. That's them — that's them ! 

Jim (to Bill). Why, dat's de fellow what come the thimble-rig 
on me. 

Old T. (to Jack). Yes, and that's the fellow that beat me out 
of twenty-eight dollars on the race track the other day. 

Policeman. Why, don't you know them ? They are two of the 
greatest rascals out of jail. 

Joshua. Tar and feather 'em. 

Omnes. Tar and feather 'em. 

Jack. Oh, no, landlord. It was all a joke. (Gives purse back?) 
Now let us go. 

Joshua. No, no; tar and feather 'em. 

Omnes. Yes ; tar and feather 'em. (They run them off~L.\ E., 
then run them across stage twice. Change scene to wood in five. All 
shouting ; some run with tar buckets, some with feathers, finally 
bring them on from R. 4 e. on a rail. All shout.) 

CURTAIN. 



AN ENTIRE NOVELTY. 



THE GREAT MORAL 

Dime Show 



AN ENTERTAINMENT IN ONE SCENE. 

By MARY B. HORNE, 

Author of "The Peak Sisters," Prof. Baxter's Great Invention," 

"The Book of Drills," "The Carnival of Days," 

"Plantation Bitters," Etc. 



Nine male, seven female characters. Costumes simple; scenery an ordinary 
interior, or may he dispensed with altogether. Plays from half an hour upward', 
according to the number and character of additional specialties introduced. 
Printed exactly as first performed by the Unity Club, Watertown, Mass., on 
Friday evening, February 5, 1892. 



This most anmsing entertainment is a burlesque of the ordinary "dime- 
museum," so-called, but is entirely devoid of the vulgarity of its original, and 
perfectly adapted to church or home performance. The characters are, save the 
lecturer and her assistant, a wonderful collection of "freaks" of nature (some- 
what assisted by art) who sing, dance or recite, according to their special 
abilities, in illustration <>f the explanatory lectu.e. It is most elastic in its 
requirements, can be played on any stage or platform, Avith or without scenery, 
and with a greater or smaller number of characters, according to taste or 
necessity. It can be made uiu'oariously funny, and is in character as well as fact 

A SEQUEL TO THE PEAK SISTERS. 

Price, - - 15 Cents. 



SYNOPSIS. 

SCENE.— The exhibition hall of Sister Kezialrs Show. Sister Keziah's intro- 
ductory lecture. Johnathan, the bashful assistant. Introductory hymn. 
Introduction of the "freaks." D.LMia JMtGinty rerfirinis. Daniel's song 
Litia Zuiatk, the celebrated Mexican dwarf. Kioto, the shortest man 
alive, not financially. The wonderful MERMAID, The Mermaid"* song. 
Cassiis White, the ossified, boy. A "rocky" recitation. Kallili', the 
only specimen of his kind in captivity: illustrated by cuts. SioNoit Galassi, 
the celebrated Glass Eater. Galassi sings. Allegro Penserosu, the won- 
derful two-headed girl; not to be confounded with the more common two- 
factd girl. Two Avays of eating a pickle. Ir>A and Ionk. the Grecian 
maidens. Raphael Tintoret, the blind painter, A\ho paints blinds in full 
view of the audience. An CHIN and Wrx Lt'N'G, the Chinese twins, ex- 
tremely Avell connected from birth. " The Land of Tea." Ka-foozle-fiai. 
the Turkish vocalist. Grand finale and curtain. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



B 



AKER'S SELE3 
OF JUVENILE 




017 400 905 3 



Designed especially for Church, School, and other Amateur Organ- 
izations. Complete, -with all the music and full directions for 
performance. 



Grandpa's Birthday. In One Act. Words by Dexter Smith; 
music by C. A. White. For one adult (male or female) and three 
children; chorus, if desired. Price, 25 Cents. 

Jimmy, The Newsboy, In One Act. ■ Written and composed by 
W. C. Pahker. For one adult (male), and one boy. No chorus. 
Very easy and tuneful. Price, 25 Cents. 

The Four-leafed Clover. In Three Acts. By Mary B. Horne. 
For children of from six to fifteen years. Seven boys, seven girls, 
and chorus. -Very picturesque. Price, 50 Cents. 

Beans and Buttons. In One Act. Words by Wm. II. Lepere; 
music by Alfred G. Kobyn. Two male and two female characters; 
no chorus. Very comical and easy. Pkice, 50 Cents. 

Hunt the Thimble. In One Act. Words by A. G. Lewis; music by 
Leo It. Lewis. Two male, two female characters and small chorus. 
Simple and pretty. Price, 50 Cents. 

Red Riding Hood's Rescue. In Four Scenes. Words by J. E. 
Estabkook; music by J. Astoe Broad. Three male, four female 
characters and chorus. Price, 50 Cents. 

Golden Hair and the Three Bears. In Five Scenes. By J. Astor 
Broad. Three adults (2 m., 1 f.), eight children and chorus. Music 
is easy, graceful, and pleasing. Price, 75 Cents. 

R. E. Porter ; or, The Interviewer and the Fairies. In Three 
Acts. Words by A. G-. Lewis; music by Leo B. Lewis. Six male, 
six female characters, and chorus. Very picturesque and pretty. 

Price, 75 Cents. 

Gyp, Junior. In Two Acts. Words by Earl Marble; music by 
D. F. Hodges. Two males, one female (adult), three children and 
chorus. Very successful and easily produced. Price, 75 Cents. 

AlvinGray; or, The Sailor's Return. In Three Acts. Written 
and composed by C. A. White. Ten characters, including chorus; 
can be made more effective by employing a larger number. 

Price, 75 Cents. 



Catalogues describing the above and other popular entertain- 
ments sent free on application to 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 

THEATRICAL PUBLISHERS, 

No. 23 Winter Street, - Boston, Mass. 



